Sunday, March 1, 2009

Nobody reads these anyways...

So I feel safe posting a blog that I can't post anywhere else.

Something horrible has entered my life. Something that's never going to back down out of my face or go away.

One of my really good friends committed suicide last week. 

And do you want to know the first thing that I thought when my dad told me?

This is all my fault. 

And there is a strong part of me that will always believe this. He claimed that he loved me since he first saw me. The boy always had bad timing with me. He never got the courage to say that he liked me until I was dating David. I had liked him, which is what hurt the most. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in David, he might have had a chance. 

Then, once David and I were on the way out, he got his second chance. But that went wrong too. (I won't go into that one since there is a chance that someone might read this.) I thought he hated me, and he thought I hated him. I thought he had lied when he said that he loved me and had just wanted to use me. We didn't talk for a very long time. 

But suddenly, he was back in my life. Unfortunately, he now had a girlfriend that he was happy with. Then I met Josh, and things took off for me. Again, unfortunately, that's when he apparently realized that he loved me again.

Almost a year into mine and Josh's relationship, he finally asked me if I missed him, if I still loved him. I could answer truthfully that I did not love him anymore. How I wish I had commented on how I still cared...

It was after a fight with his girlfriend at the end of February. We hadn't talked since Vagina Monologues. I had invited him, and he never came. I never text him asking why. I should have. 

I'm angry at him for doing it. I'm crushed that he felt that he had to. I'm distraught that I was only a phone call away, and he didn't think I cared enough to call me. I would have helped him. 

But I just couldn't be the saving grace that he needed. 

I want him to see what he left behind. Not out of spite, but in hopes that he sees it and learns. If there is an afterlife, whatever that may be, I hope he's in some type of peace now that he couldn't get here.

I'm already making myself cry again. I just want to tell him that I'm sorry for how I acted towards him. I didn't want him to think that I was leading him on in any way, but I just made him think that I didn't want him around. 

My dad and Josh made me promise to not think that this was my fault. I know that you cannot blame someone else's actions on yourself, and I don't. I just wish that I had been there to tell him, "What are you thinking? Do you not see these people that care about you? Life is hard, but you're only twenty. Somewhere along this road it has to get better, and I know that you're strong enough to make it."

But he didn't have anyone there to tell him that. He felt all alone, and I'll take some of the blame for that. I let him feel like I didn't care because I'm stupid. Life is rough, but I'll persevere and keep him in my memory. All of the wonderful things he taught me. Like the word douchebag. He was the first person that I drove to see in the dark, in the fog, in a shitty car, got lost for. I'll remember him every time I hear FallOut Boy, every time I think of his beautiful writing, every time I watch Donnie Darko. I'll remember him every time I read his Eragon books that I stole. He's with me, I just can't see him.

This is my goodbye. 

Goodbye Devin, you were a wonderful friend who I will never forget as long as I live. Maybe one day you can explain to me what you didn't get to that night you left. Maybe even now, you know how much I hurt for not being to tell you how much you meant to me. 

Goodbye, Devin, goodbye. <3

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